Opinions
My Precious Child,
I haven't even held you in my arms but somehow I am already crazy about you. Most days I feel your kicks and have my special moments getting to know you and I think to myself, "Yeah... I can be a good mom." But then life happens. The messages bombard me from all sides. One mom insists vaccinations are necessary while another declares them poison. Breastfeeding is best for the baby, I read. But painful and inconvenient, a fellow mom tells me. Cloth diapering is best for the environment, my inner voice whispers. But totally unrealistic, another mom says with an eye roll. Exercise. But not this activity or that one or this one. Avoid caffeine completely. Naaah, one or two cups of coffee is fine. Gain weight. But not too quickly!
And that right there was the straw that broke the pregnant lady's back. Not literally thank God, though it is aching these days. I went to my 22 week appointment feeling healthy, strong, confident, and grateful for your health and mine. I strutted into that appointment drinking my unsweetened green tea, anxious to hear your strong heart beat and hear that I was doing all the right stuff. When I stepped on the scale to see a total of 13 lbs. gained, I nodded my head and thought... yep, sounds about right. My appetite has been great. I've felt strong and powerful and capable to do all of the things that I did pre-pregnancy. I just feel... good!
But, being the teacher's pet and now midwife's pet that I am, I made sure to run that by her when she came into the room.
"Am I about on track for weight gain so far?" I said, fairly certain I would get the silly reassurance that I needed, a sort of gold star for my mental pregnancy chart.
"Well... it's not a concern at this point but ideally you would not have gained so much so quickly. You only want to gain 25-35 total so make sure to watch what you're eating. Like that drink..." she said, pointing to my Starbucks cup.
"Unsweetened tea?" I said with more attitude than I expected.
"Oh well that of course is fine. Just try to add more protein and cut back on sugar."
I felt my face flush. I sat in my self-pity and self-consciousness for the remaining few minutes of the appointment before rushing out to my car, not realizing just how upset I was until I cried on the phone to your dad. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do, I told him. I would never ever want to do anything to hurt this baby, I told him. I thought I was being responsible.
And then, in his most assertive voice, a voice you will come to know very well over the years, do you know what he told me?
"You know what you're doing right now, Lauren? Your doubt and your self-shame about the 3 or 4 extra pounds that ONE woman says you shouldn't have gained yet? This criticizing yourself is far worse than the weight. You're pregnant. Give yourself a break."
I should listen to your dad more often. He's crazy smart. But if he ever asks I'm still smarter, k?
I'm learning quickly that, as with almost all topics, everyone has an opinion on pregnancy and parenthood. I listen to the conflicting advice and often find myself drowning in self doubt, second guessing my own judgment, and wondering which way is up. I hope that I can keep learning and growing so that I can be confident in my decisions with you. There are going to be moments when, as Papa Bruce says, I couldn't be more wrong if my ass were on backwards. I'll mess up. Yell. Cry. Apologize. Stress. Worry. Hug you. Cry. And hug you some more. I have a lot to learn, baby girl, but I'm willing to do that. I'm willing to do ANYTHING for you. And I'm going to trust my gut. Somewhere deep in the fiber of my being, I think that is where the key to this whole messy parenting thing lies. So I'm going with it.
Love Always and Forever,
Mom
I haven't even held you in my arms but somehow I am already crazy about you. Most days I feel your kicks and have my special moments getting to know you and I think to myself, "Yeah... I can be a good mom." But then life happens. The messages bombard me from all sides. One mom insists vaccinations are necessary while another declares them poison. Breastfeeding is best for the baby, I read. But painful and inconvenient, a fellow mom tells me. Cloth diapering is best for the environment, my inner voice whispers. But totally unrealistic, another mom says with an eye roll. Exercise. But not this activity or that one or this one. Avoid caffeine completely. Naaah, one or two cups of coffee is fine. Gain weight. But not too quickly!
And that right there was the straw that broke the pregnant lady's back. Not literally thank God, though it is aching these days. I went to my 22 week appointment feeling healthy, strong, confident, and grateful for your health and mine. I strutted into that appointment drinking my unsweetened green tea, anxious to hear your strong heart beat and hear that I was doing all the right stuff. When I stepped on the scale to see a total of 13 lbs. gained, I nodded my head and thought... yep, sounds about right. My appetite has been great. I've felt strong and powerful and capable to do all of the things that I did pre-pregnancy. I just feel... good!
But, being the teacher's pet and now midwife's pet that I am, I made sure to run that by her when she came into the room.
"Am I about on track for weight gain so far?" I said, fairly certain I would get the silly reassurance that I needed, a sort of gold star for my mental pregnancy chart.
"Well... it's not a concern at this point but ideally you would not have gained so much so quickly. You only want to gain 25-35 total so make sure to watch what you're eating. Like that drink..." she said, pointing to my Starbucks cup.
"Unsweetened tea?" I said with more attitude than I expected.
"Oh well that of course is fine. Just try to add more protein and cut back on sugar."
I felt my face flush. I sat in my self-pity and self-consciousness for the remaining few minutes of the appointment before rushing out to my car, not realizing just how upset I was until I cried on the phone to your dad. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do, I told him. I would never ever want to do anything to hurt this baby, I told him. I thought I was being responsible.
And then, in his most assertive voice, a voice you will come to know very well over the years, do you know what he told me?
"You know what you're doing right now, Lauren? Your doubt and your self-shame about the 3 or 4 extra pounds that ONE woman says you shouldn't have gained yet? This criticizing yourself is far worse than the weight. You're pregnant. Give yourself a break."
I should listen to your dad more often. He's crazy smart. But if he ever asks I'm still smarter, k?
I'm learning quickly that, as with almost all topics, everyone has an opinion on pregnancy and parenthood. I listen to the conflicting advice and often find myself drowning in self doubt, second guessing my own judgment, and wondering which way is up. I hope that I can keep learning and growing so that I can be confident in my decisions with you. There are going to be moments when, as Papa Bruce says, I couldn't be more wrong if my ass were on backwards. I'll mess up. Yell. Cry. Apologize. Stress. Worry. Hug you. Cry. And hug you some more. I have a lot to learn, baby girl, but I'm willing to do that. I'm willing to do ANYTHING for you. And I'm going to trust my gut. Somewhere deep in the fiber of my being, I think that is where the key to this whole messy parenting thing lies. So I'm going with it.
Love Always and Forever,
Mom
You have a wonderful husband :)
ReplyDeleteEvery woman is different in how she gains weight and starts to "show" when she's pregnant! And what I'm learning from this 2nd time around is that it's different this time from last time as far as weight gain and when I started to show. You are doing everything right and beautiful for you and your baby girl! There are so many opinions and judgments out there, and usually people are just passionate about what they believe and so they want to "share" it... but don't let them pressure you - and certainly don't let their opinions make you feel bad about yourself! You are making wonderful choices because YOU know what's best for yourself! ENJOY your pregnancy! Love you!